This morning as I ate a Nutra Grain and looked at flowers,
I wondered what it must be like to be the man Dane Bowers.
Would I lick you up and down until you’ve had enough?
Or would I go and stick my big fat toe up Jordan’s muff?
Would I get it fights with guys in Nando’s when I’m drunk?
Or would I harmonise on R&B boyband sex-funk?
Would I DJ nightclubs in Doncaster and Skegness?
Or would I pose for pictures when my hair’s a fucking mess?
Would my voice be angel-like despite my plumber’s face?
Or would I sing with shit people like Posh Spice just in case?
The one thing that I know for sure,
Is that Dane’s a lucky devil.
He takes the scale of alpha male,
To another fucking level.